


Writing It Out

by SilverWolf7



Series: Talking It Through [5]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angel Wings, Anger, Depression, Diary/Journal, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotions, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Devil Reveal, Other, Therapy, Wingfic, Wings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2018-12-14 17:51:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWolf7/pseuds/SilverWolf7
Summary: Lucifer starts a journal when too many things need to be dealt with and he gets confused on where to start.





	1. Entry 1

**Author's Note:**

> My post season 2 fic. Naturally it goes in with my Talking It Through verse. I really need to finish that story but want to get at least the next 2 in my Lucifer's Flock series written first (I want to get my devil reveal fic doen before season 3 starts.)

I hear you are supposed to start these things with Dear Journal, or Dear Diary or something. I have no idea how to start it. Think I’ll go with Journal. Sounds more like a journey that way.

Well, here goes.

Dear Journal

Today Dr. Linda told me she thought it might be a good idea for me to start writing things down. I don’t know why or what she thinks this will accomplish outside our sessions together, but I did give her my word I will start one as soon as possible, so here I am starting one.

It probably has to do something with me being unable to put into spoken words exactly what is going on with me in my head lately.

I don’t know if I’ll find the written words either, but she says here I’d be able to go off on tangents and not have it matter or be a waste of time, unlike in there, where I only have an hour for session time.

I feel ridiculous even writing that down.

Ah well, what has happened to me in the past week.

\- I sent my mum to a place she can do no harm to anyone and can start her own universe if she feels like it.  
\- My wings mysteriously are back. I don’t know why.  
\- I was kidnapped and dumped in the desert by unknown persons.  
\- Working up to showing the others who I am.  
\- Dr. Linda was stabbed trying to keep my confidentiality confidential.  
\- Maze is still angry with me and I don’t know how to fix it.

Dr. Linda wanted me to list the things down and work on them one at a time while she is in hospital. She refuses to allow me to heal her, saying she didn’t want the attention being miraculously healed would give her. I agree with that. Well, there they are listed. Now I have no idea which one to work on.

Will give her the list the next time I see her. Think I will work on her being stabbed to keep my privacy intact first. Seems the logical place to start.

Step three is an ongoing process and one I am already working on, but I put it on the list anyway, just in case. It is something that happened after all. Same with #4.

Is there a special way you’re supposed to end one of these things, or do I just put my name?

Ah well, that’ll do.

Lucifer Morningstar


	2. Entry 2

Dear Journal

Today I talked to Linda again over the diary. Mainly I told her I started it and wrote that list she wanted. I showed her the list, which I had written out on another piece of paper so she could read.

I told her I wanted to start with her and her stabbing, because it seemed the right place for me to start and she disagreed.

I don't really understand her reasoning either. She said she was fine and just needed to wait to heal and that she'd be back to her job and patients, including me, given enough time and that she doesn't blame me for what happened.

But it is my fault it happened...

She was stabbed by my mum for simple information because Linda, a believer in keeping her doctor/patient confidentiality, refused to give her the information.

If Linda wasn't seeing me as a client, then she never would have been stabbed.

Not that I will stop seeing her or anything. I enjoy her company and she does help me muddle through these very confusing and sometimes very trying emotions. I'm still quite new to this whole emotions thing. It has only been around a year since I began feeling things like this.

Sometimes I wish I had never got comfortable enough here and started making myself a home just so I never would have to deal with any of it. It's so confusing. I don't know how humans live with it.

Linda thinks I should start with getting back in Maze's good graces, since I told her I am working on finding a more gentler way to tell the others who and what I am and the Detective and I are actively searching for my kidnapper.

So, I guess since she refuses to talk to me about herself right now, that I will do as she wishes and work on my problems with Mazikeen.

If you weren't an inanimate piece of pages stuck together to write in, I would ask you to wish me luck with that one...

Lucifer Morningstar.


	3. Entry 3

Dear Journal

I have no idea what I am doing.

I tried to talk to Maze again, tried to get her to see that I didn’t mean to hurt her like I did, but it didn’t work.

It never seems to work. The only thing I seem to be good at now is hurting the ones I am close to. I was doing better on the whole emotion thing until that whole mess with Uriel happened. Now I just hurt people.

I don’t mean to, it just happens and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I want it to stop.

I just want Maze to talk to me again. She’s been with me so long, not having her talk to me is like having my heart ripped out of my chest and jumped on. I didn’t know so much of my happiness was derived from having her around.

I think the others are getting worried and I don’t know why? Am I doing that projection thing with my emotions again? Do they all have empathic abilities I don’t know about? Does it show that much that I am upset over this?

I don’t know what to tell them except that I am fighting with Maze and it’s upsetting me, but will that be enough for their curiosity or will they push?

Ugh, all I am coming up with is more questions and no answers!

I wonder if Dr. Linda would be upset if I just had a day off, if I crawled into bed and stayed there all day. At least then I wouldn’t be hurting anyone.

Lucifer Morningstar


	4. Entry Four

Dear Journal

I feel like this is a really bad week all up. I went and chatted to Mazikeen again, this time I invited her to have a chat with me and Linda. We did that last time too, when she first got angry with me, so that I could understand why she was so angry and that worked.

I apologised. How was I to know a soulless being was able to change just as much as I had? I had no way of knowing until the evidence was glaring at me. 

I feel really bad about that, and then I was kidnapped by who knows what and dragged off into the desert. I guess we never had proper time to resolve that in those few days I was gone, and she just let that resentment build up.

She agreed to a joint session. She doesn’t like them, even though she has only ever been to two sessions in her life. A singular one which didn’t work out for her and the last session before Linda was stabbed.

I just don’t know what to do without her in my life. I mean, I know I can live without her, but I am unsure what to do without her by my side in any capacity.

She’s my demon, my bodyguard, my longest and one of the deepest relationships I have.

I need her in my life while she is here and present.

Fighting with her hurts more than I thought it could.

Maybe I should have sex with her? That usually cheers her up. And it has been a while since the two of us shared a bed. Or any other surface for that matter. Hard, angry sex sounds good right about now.

I don’t think it would help much, but it could.

Will bring that up in the session. Am going to meet with Linda and Maze after I finish writing this. Session will obviously be in Linda’s hospital room.

Wish me luck.

Lucifer Morningstar.


	5. Entry 5

Dear Journal

Well, that was stupid.

I ended up leaving in five minutes of being there, because I couldn’t stand Maze yelling. I can’t take others being mad at me right now.

It seems now the Detective has joined in on that fun too. I went to the police station to have some company that hopefully wouldn’t be mad at me.

I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Everyone hates me. I feel really alone right now.

I think I might be close to a breakdown. I really don’t want that. It took me three weeks to get over the last one. And that one came out of nowhere.

I ended up in Ella’s lab to get away from the yelling and cried for a bit. I’m glad that no one walked in on me then. I don’t think I’d ever live it down.

Something is very wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. I haven’t been this sensitive since I was chucked out of Heaven.

I’m not ready to go back to Linda, especially since Maze has taken over watching her for threats.

I’ll just wait until she is out of hospital.

Lucifer Morningstar.


	6. Entry 6

Dear Journal

I hate everything right now.

Nothing feels good, everything feels bad and nothing seems to help at all.

It’s been a while since my last entry, because everything seemed to be a repeat of that last entry. I’m beginning to get real tired of crying. On the other hand, at least I haven’t yet had that breakdown I was worried about.

Still, it could happen at any time, I know that.

Dr. Linda is out of the hospital now and is healing nicely. I asked her if she would allow me to fully heal her now so she doesn’t have to be in pain any longer. She turned me down.

Good thing, I didn’t cry. Bad thing, now I am angry at everything. She just sat down in her chair and listened as I ranted at her. I don’t even remember what I said. I just really needed to vent, I suppose.

I need to find the roll up piano and spend a couple of hours with it, I think. But first, I just wanted to write this to let you know that Dr. Linda is back to her job, though still in pain. She’s a real trooper when it comes to what happened.

I just wish I could feel that same amount of calm and acceptance.

...

Found it. Need new batteries as I lost the chord for it.

I may have just lost half the glasses at my bar. Now I’ll have to buy new ones. Again.

Lucifer Morningstar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Yeah, I forgot one of these about hard angry sex and Lucifer.
> 
> Lucifer prefers to have hard, angry sex when he's feeling down, because it lets him feel negative emotions and let them go during sex. It makes him feel better. It's his tame version of punishing himself. He always takes the bottom/sub role during this time. Depending on if it is plain sex or a BDSM thing depends on which way he is feeling. 
> 
> Sometimes he finds no one that will indulge him and he tries to drink himself into a coma those times. Since he can't get drunk, that's a lot of alcohol.


End file.
